The Advice given by My Parent That Rescued Us during my time as a First-Time Father

"I think I was simply in survival mode for the first year."

Former reality TV cast member Ryan Libbey thought he would to handle the demands of being a father.

But the truth quickly turned out to be "completely different" to his expectations.

Life-threatening health problems around the birth caused his partner Louise admitted to hospital. All of a sudden he was thrust into acting as her chief support as well as looking after their baby boy Leo.

"I was doing all the nights, every nappy change… every stroll. The duty of mother and father," Ryan explained.

After nearly a year he burnt out. It was a chat with his father, on a park bench, that led him to understand he required support.

The straightforward words "You are not in a good spot. You require some help. What can I do to support you?" opened the door for Ryan to express himself truthfully, ask for help and regain his footing.

His story is commonplace, but infrequently talked about. While people is now better used to addressing the stress on moms and about PND, less is said about the difficulties fathers go through.

Seeking help isn't a weakness to seek assistance

Ryan feels his struggles are part of a broader reluctance to communicate between men, who often absorb harmful notions of what it means to be a man.

Men, he says, tend to think they must be "the rock that just gets smashed and stays upright every time."

"It isn't a show of weakness to seek help. I failed to do that soon enough," he adds.

Mental health expert Dr Jill Domoney, a researcher who studies mental health before and after childbirth, says men often don't want to admit they're having a hard time.

They can believe they are "not a legitimate person to be seeking help" - most notably in preference to a mum and baby - but she highlights their mental state is equally important to the family.

Ryan's conversation with his dad offered him the chance to request a pause - going on a short trip abroad, away from the home environment, to see things clearly.

He realised he required a change to pay attention to his and his partner's feelings alongside the logistical chores of caring for a new baby.

When he shared with Louise, he discovered he'd missed "what she was yearning" -physical connection and hearing her out.

Self-parenting

That epiphany has transformed how Ryan perceives parenthood.

He's now composing Leo regular notes about his feelings as a dad, which he wishes his son will read as he gets older.

Ryan hopes these will enable his son better understand the expression of emotion and interpret his parenting choices.

The idea of "parenting yourself" is something artist Professor Green - real name Stephen Manderson - has also strongly identified with since fathering his son Slimane, who is now four years old.

As a child Stephen did not have stable male a father figure. Despite having an "wonderful" relationship with his dad, profound emotional pain meant his father struggled to cope and was "in and out" of his life, complicating their bond.

Stephen says bottling up emotions resulted in him make "bad actions" when in his youth to change how he was feeling, finding solace in alcohol and substances as a way out from the anguish.

"You turn to behaviours that are harmful," he says. "They can short-term modify how you are feeling, but they will ultimately cause more harm."

Strategies for Managing as a New Dad

• Open up to someone - if you're feeling overwhelmed, confide in a family member, your other half or a counsellor how you're feeling. This can to lighten the load and make you feel less alone.
• Keep up your interests - keep doing the pursuits that allowed you to feel like the person you were before having a baby. It could be playing sport, socialising or playing video games.
• Pay attention to the physical stuff - a good diet, getting some exercise and where possible, resting, all contribute in how your emotional health is doing.
• Spend time with other new dads - listening to their journeys, the messy ones, as well as the positive moments, can help to put into perspective how you're feeling.
• Know that seeking help does not mean you've failed - looking after you is the most effective way you can care for your family.

When his father later died by suicide, Stephen naturally struggled to accept the death, having had no contact with him for a long time.

As a dad now, Stephen's committed not to "repeat the pattern" with his own son and instead provide the security and emotional support he missed out on.

When his son starts to have a outburst, for example, they practise "shaking it out" together - expressing the emotions in a healthy way.

The two men Ryan and Stephen say they have become more balanced, healthier men because they acknowledged their pain, altered how they communicate, and learned to control themselves for their sons.

"I have improved at… dealing with things and managing things," explains Stephen.

"I expressed that in a note to Leo the other week," Ryan says. "I said, on occasion I feel like my role is to instruct and tell you what to do, but actually, it's a two-way conversation. I am understanding an equal amount as you are on this path."